When We Leave- for my Portfolio

Every single goodbye

that leaves my lips 

is deadly 

and I know it 

There’s crying 

and then there’s dying 

and I’m pretty sure 

as I sit 

and drive her, sitting next to me 

to the airport 

once again 

that all these goodbyes kill her 

In the car she tries to be silent 

tries to wipe them away 

turns towards the window 

tries to hide

maybe I won’t know

but her talking fails 

and I just know 

I feel every single tear 

that runs down her face

She has a death grip 

on my hand, my wrist 

as though she’s trying to take 

all my strength 

the strength she thinks I have

and be strong enough to just 

stop crying, just stop crying  

Bright lights, cop cars, luggage 

greet us at the airport 

and it’s blinding 

the harsh light of reality 

it’s just so blinding 

I weave through the cars 

I don’t know what she wants 

slow, fast? 

which will hurt less? 

I drive in between 

uncertain, unsure, upset 

til we’re there 

and I have to pull up 

She climbs out 

she cries 

I sigh

she hugs me, halfheartedly 

anger folding into the deadly 

mixture her head had concocted 

men don’t cry 

but I know she wishes 

she wants to beat my chest 

til I cry too 

I know she wishes I would 

join her 

She walks away without looking back 

I want to call out goodbye 

I want to tell her I love her 

but I know she would never make it through 

security if I did 

I get back in my car 

I drive away 

at the same uncertain, unsure, upset pace 

that I rode in on 

defeated 

steeling myself 

for another round 

Of phone calls and letters 

and saying I miss you 

like we say I’m hungry 

and living my life 

having to quietly hurt 

and be as normal as possible 

even though I am simply

just a jagged shard of myself 

every single minute of every day 

that I have to hear her voice 

through a phone

I walk into my room 

and now here I am 

slouched by my window 

wondering which stars are planes 

and which plane is hers 

writing this poem 

leeching the unnerving images 

from my brain 

because I can’t talk to her until she lands 

and she wouldn’t let me say goodbye 

Sweetest Day

Hi honey
happy sweetest day and happy 2 years 1 month
i was talking to my friend amanda last night before the party and she was like man i cant believe you guys are still going strong that's really impressive
she was like i think the first year would be the hardest and then the rest would still suck but man, that one year would be quite the accomplishment
I agree
here we are at year two, still going strong and I always think of what I told you when i first started to like you
i told you that i didn't want to just say I liked you if I wasn't sure because, knowing you already liked me, if I reciprocated those feelings then we'd be together. and you and i weren't the type to just date for a second and be done. if we were going to like each other we would be together for a long time.
I was right (as usual). Here we are withstanding the test of miles and still growing as a couple.
I love you so much I can't wait to see you and be in your arms again.
You're my home, I can't wait to be there.

You have no right to ruin my Monday nights

Or my Tuesdays or my Thursdays. I barely make it to class on Tuesday mornings now because of this damn intramural game that you have to participate in.
I try to rationalize it and tell myself that I wouldn't enjoy you telling me not to do optima simply because its at the wrong time. But then, it never takes more than an hour and its never half as late as yours.
I want to talk to you before I go to bed. We both have busy schedules but part of being tucked in is having that time at the end of the day where we come together and just be nice and then wind down for bed. Of course usually it's just me going to bed, but still, I want that and need that.
I need you there at the end of the day. When I go to bed without saying goodnight to you I'm trying to send you a big message. You fucked up and I don't even want to deal with you. Your goodnight is worthless to me at that point. And I'm really pissed off at you.
When I don't tell you I love you, it means you don't deserve to hear it. And today you did not deserve it. Half the reason I'm writing this letter is because I can't sleep. I just keep tossing and turning. You were supposed to help me with my story not make me more stressed about it. I can't sleep stressed.
My god. Half the time I'm like what the hell was he thinking when he did that?
I don't get it.
You know what I hate, why do you have to do it so frequently anyways. Why did two necessary practices turn into three? And one intramural game per week second semester turn into both semesters and beach volleyball when you felt like it?
Why didn't I know about any of this until it already got planned and was about to happen? It's your job to tell me everything. AS you're planning it. Not once its done. It's also your job to decide what is too much for me. What you're going to let go because as far away as I am, I am affected by your life and decisions. Is heightened by the time difference.
I don't know what to do so that you understand that you can't just do whatever you want to do whenever you want. It's immature to think that you're just in your life by yourself. You're more than two years into a relationship. Stop clinging to your liberty as though it was your virginity. It's not something you have to defend from me.
I just don't get how you don't understand all that yet. Or maybe you do, you just refuse to change.

It's a little bit funny

I don't have much money, but boy if I did 
I'd buy a big house where we both could live 

Everywhere

I wish I could go everywhere, all around the world with you. I mean I would even love to travel everywhere in America, just to be able to explore new places and sleep in hotels and spend as much time as possible together.
We'd find new restaurants, look at famous museums and sites, take lots of cute pictures
But most of all, I'd get to wake up next to you every day and do something exciting and new with my love.

(also we'd have a lot of great sex) 

Now I can't sleep

I'm sick and coughing and not tired. I can't sleep.
I don't want you to forget about Marie letters while you're at school unless I make you write me one.
Half of the beauty of it is that I check it sometimes and I'll have all new letters and it's the best surprise.
When you go out its like a knee jerk reaction.
I'm not actually upset about it. I don't actually want you to stay home.
Sometimes, like tonight it's really annoying because it's yet another night you haven't talked to me before I sleep for a long time.
But it's more just like I tense up. You're out and busy and I'm just like no!
And I don't know why but I find myself complaining to you and whining about it and being stubborn
But then I piss you off and I say goodbye to you upset and I regret it
I really do love you
Maybe a little too much
And maybe a little too irrationally at times
I'm so sorry 

2 years

I love it when you call me your love, I guess it's just a new way you're expressing how much you love me. Reminds me that you don't just love me as my mom or dad does, but you're in love with me.
And I'm in love with you.  
Some day, just a couple years in the future now, we can be together on our anniversary. In the context of how long I want to be with you, two years is nothing.
You pamper me and spoil me and are so good to me. If you were here right now, you'd walk with me to class and nap with me after, brushing my hair off my face and kissing me in the way that only you know how. We'd eat good lunch, get some iced tea then have lots of sexy time til dinner. Then we'd go somewhere fancy, and I'd dress up in a dress you like and some lingerie you've never seen but want to take off already. Then we'd go have desperate, passionate sex until we fell asleep half naked in my bed.
And I'd be completely happy.
I miss you so much, you definitely have my heart with you every day, because you are my home.

I love you baby, congrats on making it two years with me. It wasn't easy, but we did it and I love us even more for it.