Every single goodbye
that leaves my lips
is deadly
and I know it
There’s crying
and then there’s dying
and I’m pretty sure
as I sit
and drive her, sitting next to me
to the airport
once again
that all these goodbyes kill her
In the car she tries to be silent
tries to wipe them away
turns towards the window
tries to hide
maybe I won’t know
but her talking fails
and I just know
I feel every single tear
that runs down her face
She has a death grip
on my hand, my wrist
as though she’s trying to take
all my strength
the strength she thinks I have
and be strong enough to just
stop crying, just stop crying
Bright lights, cop cars, luggage
greet us at the airport
and it’s blinding
the harsh light of reality
it’s just so blinding
I weave through the cars
I don’t know what she wants
slow, fast?
which will hurt less?
I drive in between
uncertain, unsure, upset
til we’re there
and I have to pull up
She climbs out
she cries
I sigh
she hugs me, halfheartedly
anger folding into the deadly
mixture her head had concocted
men don’t cry
but I know she wishes
she wants to beat my chest
til I cry too
I know she wishes I would
join her
She walks away without looking back
I want to call out goodbye
I want to tell her I love her
but I know she would never make it through
security if I did
I get back in my car
I drive away
at the same uncertain, unsure, upset pace
that I rode in on
defeated
steeling myself
for another round
Of phone calls and letters
and saying I miss you
like we say I’m hungry
and living my life
having to quietly hurt
and be as normal as possible
even though I am simply
just a jagged shard of myself
every single minute of every day
that I have to hear her voice
through a phone
I walk into my room
and now here I am
slouched by my window
wondering which stars are planes
and which plane is hers
writing this poem
leeching the unnerving images
from my brain
because I can’t talk to her until she lands
and she wouldn’t let me say goodbye
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